Life's Challenges

This summer I had a hard time explaining my coast to coast, summer long Keith Urban Road Trips to family and friends. ”You’re traveling where for one night?” “You’re seeing the same show how many times?!” were common responses. How does one explain that it is so much more than seeing a show?? I tried to tell them about the musicianship, the man, the community, the experience. I quoted them lyrics from Days Go By and These Are the Days as I tried to get them to grab the gusto with me. But I have to admit that, deep down inside, even I was shocked at myself and the abandon with which I sucked up every moment of Mr. Urban and his music that I could. I was surprised that I had given myself permission to do what I really wanted to do rather than just all those things I felt I should do. Well, many of you have expressed, from time to time, in different ways and in different words, that things happen for a reason. That our actions are guided in ways we may not see or understand. Perhaps that was the case for me this summer.

The irony of it is that I have been feeling just great, positively joyful. Inspired by and infused with the music these last two years I have more pep in my step, I can’t keep from doing sit-down dances in my car, and if I am not singing, I am humming, whistling, smiling through my days. I think even my doctor noticed it when I went in for my annual check-up. She commented that there was not a trace of my asthma, my blood pressure was perfect, and she was tickled that I had dropped 35 lbs. on Weight Watchers. So I really thought my sister was being a worry wart when she made me promise to go the extra step and get the colonoscopy that they recommend for those over 50. I did it just for her, squeezing it in 2 days before my last summer road trip to Worcester and Uncasville. And, unfortunately, I found ‘the rock that is mine to carry’ for a while – I have colon cancer.

On Wednesday they will tattoo several spots onto my body under CAT scan guidance– sort of an “X marks the spot” for the daily radiation treatments I’ll get for the next 6 weeks. Thursday they will surgically implant a drug delivery system for the daily chemotherapy. In November they will remove a hopefully shrunken tumor and start the post-op chemo.

So I am thinking now that this summer was not just an extravagance, but a way to give me strength and a reserve of wonderful memories to focus on during some rough months ahead. It was a chance to stockpile some quality time with my daughters and my sister. I am so glad that I “lived it” while I could, but I’m bound and determined that my “days have not gone by”. In fact, if the predictions about the second leg tour dates are right, if there is any way I can muster it you just might see me at a concert, singing with my chemo pump hanging around my neck. I think there might be a good concert sign opportunity here…..

Get your recommended health tests!

So Far So Good

Got my CAT scan targeting yesterday and India ink tattoos to point their ol' Flash Gordon radiation guns at - not bad except for having to ride back and forth through that CAT scan donut with my bare butt sticking out. I asked for flower or butterfly or guitarmonkey tattoos but they only offered – really now - X's on both hips and my tailbone. Today I got a drug port implanted. Very nice nurses kept coming through my pre-op room asking the same medical questions. The third time I was asked what I was there for hubby had me tell them a tonsillectomy :) Although the surgeon did give me a hug, he did nothing to ease my shaking when he talked about running a lead wire through my heart to guide the catheter from the port to the vein! But luckily they used very good drugs! :) so I was quickly in la-la-land (but not before a surgical nurse identified herself as a former student!) They had pre-treated me well so I woke up almost immediately afterward surgery with no aftereffects. So what does a gal do after having something implanted in her chest? I got my hair done! Can't shower tonight so why not let someone else wash my hair and give me a nice scalp massage? And I ended up next to a woman who was saying "I wish I knew when Keith Urban was going to be in Minneapolis!" Was she in the right place or not!??:) - I told her what I knew from the boards and the Star Tribune. She let slip the words " I think he is addicting." so for sure she was one of us! Since I was feeling pretty good Hubby finished off the evening by taking me to "Wing Ding" for dinner - all the local bars and restaurants that sell wings "compete" offering everyone 2 of their wings to contrast with the others in our "town square" park while a great blues bands provides the music. Mm mm good and rootbeer floats besides the harder stuff to boot. Good thing the doctor said no more Weight Watchers until after treatment! If only this a sign that it all won't be that bad!!

So Far So Good Part 2 Well I am nearly done with 3 weeks of chemotherapy and radiation treatment, with 3 more weeks to go. So far it has been much better than I expected, so that is good!! But I wish they had some sort of “buddy system” in treatment where they paired you up with someone who successfully made it through each step, who could give you the inside scoop along the way. Because not knowing what each step will be like that is part of what makes it all so frightening. The night before my treatments started I was lying awake in bed at 3 AM just shaking all over with those nerves of fear and uncertainty. Would it hurt? Would I be vomiting? Would I be unable to be me? But the next day, when they hooked the portable pump to the medication port in my chest to deliver a 5 day-at-a time constant infusion of my first anti-cancer drug, it was fine. Yes, wearing the pump around my waist or on a shoulder strap around the clock is annoying and cumbersome – especially in bed or when I bathe. And I continue to feel the needle and want to scratch the itchy adhesive patches that hold it in place. But so far no side effects from Drug 1 (5FU), so hallelujah! After a few days I decided the canvas belt and pump carrying case offended my fashion sensibilities, so I hit the sales and discount stores and bought several small, long handled purses in different colors, so my pump is now disguised as a fashion accessory! I imagine my students may still notice the narrow plastic tubing that runs from my shoulder bags to under my blouses, but it still makes me feel better. Radiation, too, is much better than expected. Ominous big machine and scary noises as they zap me from 3 different directions, but the worst part, thusfar, is lying there bare butted each day in a room full of radiation technologists. No big side effects there yet either – knock on wood! And I spent another wakeful, worried, nervous night before they introduced a heavy hitter second drug (oxaliplatin) in week 2 – one which I have to get infused over a 3 hour period in the clinic each Monday. But they have apparently learned much over the last decade about helpful premedication. I get a half hour i.v. of long-lasting anti-nausea meds first and with those in place once again this treatment hasn’t produced side effects except in one very weird area. For 3-5 days afterwards I cannot eat, drink, touch or breathe anything cold without risking some very uncomfortable sensations. The drug manufacturer actually supplies patients with gloves for taking out refrigerated food, a blanket to keep in your car, and a scarf to keep you from breathing cold air!! I experienced just a small sample of “cold dysthesia” as they call it when I pulled a cold tomato out of a restaurant sandwich and it triggered electric shock like tingles shooting up my finger tips. So I have to watch that I don’t do those things that are so habitual, like drinking the ice water in a restaurant, washing my hands in cold water, or grabbing something out of my fridge or freezer. Now they say the effects of chemo and radiation build or accumulate over the weeks of treatment, so I may not be as lucky during the three weeks ahead. But I am trying not to let the “not knowing” freak me out yet another time. I’ll get a “break” between these treatments and surgery - a break which, happily, corresponds with the reasonably close concerts in Keith’s second leg! So I have tickets for Detroit, Chicago and St. Paul and won’t even have to wear a pump around my neck! And though I’ll still have a long road ahead of me at that time, I’m hoping that break will bring back a little more of the old me for those weeks. Because right now the cancer-me has a pretty strong hold - dominating from my first thought in the morning to my last thought at night – always casting shadows on the simple pleasures and joys of life that I should be trying to enjoy to the fullest. Perhaps Keith can be my exorcist and send those shadows flying, at least for a while! Back to top

Two Weeks to Go!

I see the light at the end of the tunnel as far as my pre-surgery treatment goes!!

I can tell the side effects are getting stronger but hope they won’t be able to get to me in these last 2 weeks. I’m having to figure out what dosing regimen of the different prescription meds they gave me will keep the now more frequent nausea at bay. I have only actually gotten sick once – unfortunately just as I was going in for radiation. But I had time to tell them they better put a bucket next to the table and they did (and backed away quickly!). Happily I felt much better after that (or the drugs finally kicked in) so hubby and I actually did dinner and a movieJ.

The scariest new side effect is occasional muscle spasms that briefly cramp my hands or toes into stiff claws. It first happened when I was signing in to see John Rich perform at the Frank Thompson rally and suddenly could not hold the pen for a few seconds. The next day it happened while I worked on my computer. Freaked me out a bit to say the least. Doc says air conditioning may be triggering this as part off my over response to cold. So even though we have had summer weather lately I broke out my driving gloves and put pairs everywhere – at work, in the car, in my bookbag, so I can wear them wherever it seems cool. No more episodes for a few days.

I think I have mentioned I have some very sweet and helpful nurses taking care of me during chemo and radiation. But I haven’t told you that one is a little bit like a 25 year old Keith with short hair – Josh is blond, blue-eyed, built, really cute and kind. He prepares my pump each week. And ladies, he has to tape and untape things to my chest a couple times each week. Naturally there are no raggedy old bras being worn to treatment these days – black lace, sky blue, pale pink as the mood strikes me – the closest my lingerie comes to Victoria Secret…. ;)

My blood indicators of cancer have dropped by about half in the first 3 weeks – yay!

I go to Mayo Clinic in Minnesota for a surgical consult Nov 6 but won’t be operated on until after Thanksgiving to give my body a little break before the new challenge.

My BFF (as they would text it) just told me about one of her colleagues saving (and showing her) her eyelids in a jar after she had eyelid plastic surgery!! Even though I am a curious scientist I promise I will not keep anything in a jar after my operation!!

Counting the days to Nov 3, Nov 15, 16, and 17 concert dates before I go under the knife!!